If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
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My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
This rocks
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel