If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
You Might Also Like
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
☺️
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
the red hot silly peppers
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
stop
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again