If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
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At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
not seeing the problem
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.