If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
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I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.