@ScottFilmCritic: If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
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@MoneypennyNaked: [starts Power Point presentation titled "Why I'm Breaking Up With You"] Him: Wait, what the--? Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
@neiltyson: What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there's more sunlight
@shivillex: Few things in life are more pleasurable than turning off the lights in a public bathroom while people are still inside..