I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
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*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.