@ScottFilmCritic: If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
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@MarfSalvador: me: how did you get ink all over your skirt? wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
@david8hughes: To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You've made a powerful enemy.
@jergarl: [on phone with debit fraud] Bank guy: Sir do you shop on line at all Me: DUDE IT'S 2017 WE BUY TOILET PAPER ONLINE BG: M: Sometimes. Yes
@TheMichaelRock: Wife: Where are the kids? Me *turns off router* [from down the hallway] HEYYYYYYY!!!! Me: They're in their rooms.