@jnrbtsn: If you open a door for me, I will lick you. Sometimes it's awkward.
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@PaperWash: GF: I think I'm gunna start a Twitter account Me: *whips head around* I'll help you set it up! *Grabs GF's phone and hurls it into the Sun*
@kiebi: It's funny how red, white and blue represents freedom until its flashing behind you to pull over
@cortronic: It's just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own "Don't Feed the Animals" rule.
@Thynebear: Where do you see yourself in five years? Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists. [interviewer thinking] holy smokes he's good