Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
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when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop