God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
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her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!