*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
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Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.