If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
You Might Also Like
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor