If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
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I’d love this…lol
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
i hope my email finds you on fire
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.