@CuddleYourCat: If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
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@thatUPSdude: Turns out if you fake a heart attack every Monday work sends you to HR and not the hospital.
@lemonmartinis: 9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said "He's thirsty and likes to lick himself." I couldn't argue with that.
@DanMentos: "Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?" No thanks I have a previous engagement "I'm cool with that, hell I've been married like 6 times"
@Bexdora: ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? ME:Well if you'd just sod off like I asked, I wouldn't have to throw lamps at you.