If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
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Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.