@Emonalisha: If you piss me off in the grocery store I will get in line in front of you and pay for a single banana with a personal check
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@ssholeEric: Reason number 347 why I hate Facebook: A guy from high school posted 11 new photos all with the caption "me"
@mikescollins: "1990 called, they want their shirt back." "...why didn't you warn them about 9/11?"
@TheQuietPsycho: Apparently just because your dad had a bunch of DUI's, the cops won't accept "tradition" as an excuse as to why you're driving drunk.
@KeetPotato: cop: [making list of animals that escaped] zookeeper: "the tigers should be your top priority" cop: [scribbling out ducks] "obviously"