If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
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Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
Yup
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.