If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
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*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
“We will wed,” I threatened
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
IT’S-A ME,
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english