pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
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She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing