If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
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I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
i really liked this one
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money