[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
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I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
This makes total sense…
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training