[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
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waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
Breaking news:
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
Breaking news:
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.