I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
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it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience