Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
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All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing