@Robinbuble: If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you're automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
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@murrman5: *texts son "dont say me" as wife heads to his bedroom* wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
@Rockenden: If ever you're feeling down, and I can't be there to do it in person, just imagine me awkwardly patting your shoulder & looking at my watch.
@AbbyHasIssues: This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
@murrman5: "so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?" [over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first