If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
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ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.