@Neauxpe: If you post a selfie that says "because some of you asked for a new one" I want to see screenshots of where they said that.
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@adamlucidi: All my exes are engaged, married, and/or have kids. I'm single. As far as I'm concerned, I've won.
@TheBoydP: The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
@AristotlesNZ: 5yo: Can we go get a turtle? They're so cool! Me: Whats so cool about turtles? 5yo: They can breath thru their butts! Me: Grab your coat..
@TheBeerGuy73: *smokes fat doobie* *enters hotdog eating contest* *sets Guinness World Record* *gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*