An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
You Might Also Like
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start