If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
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There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
Happy thanksgiving!
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
even bears disappoint their mothers
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.