If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
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[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.