“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
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How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
🤣🤣
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.