if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
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Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.