If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
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There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS