If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
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Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
It was worth a shot 😂
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Attacked by a mop.
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you