If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
You Might Also Like
Hilarious if literal: arms race
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.