If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
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If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.