If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
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Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
no their not
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
That time Alicia messaged me
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth