If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
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While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans: