If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
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I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
The USS B port
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
no refunds
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant