If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
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*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
You can’t rush stupid.
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
Good boy 😂😂
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.