If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
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There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.