If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
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[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course