@PaulyPeligroso: If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I'd watch for like 20 min before I asked "For real, tho?"
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@thats_a_morey: I'd like the chicken-fried steak, please." Uh lemme get back to you *runs to kitchen* YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
@envydatropic: I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work..... I've never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
@katta_IoIkatt: The cats told me the reason we only have one life is because we're too stupid to handle nine lives. I believe this is true.
@UncleDuke1969: Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote. Me: Don't you mean THOSE funny TWEETS? Wife: ... Me: ... Wife: No. No, I don't.