If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
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Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*