If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
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No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
I love you…
…r dog.
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
Every photo I’m tagged in
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes