@Kyle_Lippert: If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
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@mattZillaaaa: *changes voicemail recording to "your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
@FirstDateStory: "Went to watch a movie, I was wearing shorts and he swiped his finger on my leg. Later found out he wiped his booger on me"
@nbadag: [to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership] i feel like you're overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
@keelyflaherty: 8am: i'm so tired 10am: i'm so tired 1pm: i'm so tired 4pm: i'm so tired 8pm: i'm so tired 11pm: i'm so tired 2am: WHAT HAVEN'T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER