@envydatropic: If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
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@JediGigi: [dont let him know you're a sponge] Waitress: *spills drink on table* GERONIMO *bellyflops on table* SPRAY SOME CLEANER I GOT THIS oh damn
@RobinMcCauley: A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
@internetluke: [Joseph checking in to hotel] "Is there WiFi?" Only in the stable *later to Virgin Mary* "Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable"
@TheAlexNevil: I've had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said "C'mon, can't we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes."