@envydatropic: If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
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@shopkins776: I took two years of anger management courses Now I'm the manager of four brand new anger stores
@Mr_Kapowski: Spice up your otherwise trite wedding by making the groomsmen act as pallbearers and carry the groom to the altar in a casket
@DurtMcHurtt: Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash* McDonald's employee: [nervously assuring me] it's all there I swear.