If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.