Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
You Might Also Like
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
never forget
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea