If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
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I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*