If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
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I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god