@novixv: If you read Twitter backwards it tells the story of humanity slowly getting smarter.
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@just1fool: I found a ten dollar bill on the ground once and thought, "This is as good as it's ever going to get. Buy some relish."
@OhNoSheTwitnt: Am I original? -Yeaaah. Am I the only one? -Yeaaah. Do you wanna build a snowman? -Go away, Anna. Ok byyyyye.
@joshgondelman: Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
@ohmygrapeness: Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked. Wait, what