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Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.