@novixv: If you read Twitter backwards it tells the story of humanity slowly getting smarter.
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@tararose711: My 3yo's bedtime stories include: "Three-Hour Run-On Sentence," followed by, "Ask For a Drink 500 Times," and finally, "You Skipped a Page."
@oxygenplug: [commercial for college] *person shoveling money into furnace* Narrator: Don't you wish there was a better way?
@iscoff: If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich