me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
You Might Also Like
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
A Match(.com), but for socks.
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
Where’s my employee discount too?