If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
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Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
Inside you there are two wolves
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?