Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
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Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.