Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
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It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
Cartman: Respect my
a a
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”