me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
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*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
we’re gonna need another temp
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark