murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
You Might Also Like
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
Tony Hawk, age 6
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*