If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
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Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
I put the p in pants.
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.